June 5, 2012

Balanced on the ledge of crazy

Last night, I had a little bit of a meltdown. Mondays are always pretty tough on me. I have to be up at 4:45am ET to catch my flight – but since the flight is at 6:15am, which is a fairly normal waking time, I’m usually pretty awake by the time I actually board. So I spend the flight working and then arrive in Dallas around 9:30am and head to the office to start my day. (Yes, start my day after I’ve already been up for 5 hours.) By the time 6:30pm CT rolls around and I’m starting to wrap up work (we try to head out early on Mondays), I’m exhausted, and there is nothing I want more than a nice healthy dinner, a quick workout, and to crawl into bed.

Unfortunately, that wasn’t happening yesterday. One of our senior leaders was in town and invited us to a catch up dinner. Not only was I obligated to go, but I also really like and respect this guy (I used to work with him closely) and hadn’t seen him in close to a year – so I really wanted to catch up. I tried hard, I swear, but when the restaurant we went to ended up being Mexican (ugh, chips are hard to resist) and someone ordered food for the table to share (instead of me being able to choose what I want to eat), I got incredibly frustrated. I didn’t go hog wild – I skipped the quesadillas and steak bites. However, I did have a glass of wine and a bunch of tortilla chips with guacamole in addition to my grilled snapper entree. (Dear Restaurants of the World: do not call it “grilled”, implying healthy, if you are going to baste it in butter). I didn’t go home stuffed or sick to my stomach (which is actually a partial victory when it comes to restaurants that serve both margaritas and chips/salsa/guac), but I wasn’t happy that I had eaten a bunch of junk food that I didn’t particularly enjoy/want.

My best friend reminds me all the time that I’m incredibly type A, and I like to feel in control – and that tells a lot about me. Last night, other people were controlling my schedule and my food, which made me feel totally trapped. When I finally got back to my hotel around 10pm CT (remember, I started my day around 5am ET), I was miserable – and instead of heading down to the gym, I picked up the phone to cry to my best friend. I knew I was being completely irrational (which is why I called my best friend – I did not want anyone else to see how ridiculous I was being, though apparently I have no shame in blogging about it). I know that I can’t always get what I want, and I know that I’m not the only person who tries to eat healthy and faces challenges doing so… but I had hit my breaking point, and I wanted to lash out at everyone (apologies to the front desk clerk who messed up my room key and was the target of a bit of my ire). I knew I would feel significantly better after a good night’s sleep, but at the moment, I was just a mess.

Luckily, my best friend listened to me, reassured me that he completely understood why I was upset, but also convinced me not to freak out and send passive aggressive emails to all my coworkers (good call – thanks!). He encouraged me to “just kill it in the weight room tomorrow,” and suggested ways that I can politely decline the pizza we’re ordering in tonight (we have training sessions at the office until 9:30pm). Great suggestions, and a heck of a lot better than pouting and feeling powerless. I got off the phone not necessarily feeling all better, but at least not ready to cry into my pillow about unfaaaaaaaaaaaair life was.

I am absolutely an all-or-nothing person. I’m still kicking myself for not having a great day yesterday – but at the same time, I know that there’s nothing else to do but move forward. So this morning, I did exactly as my friend suggested, and hit the gym for a round of Rachel Cosgrove’s “Base Phase”. I know I’ve done a few cycles through the whole program, and I’ve been keeping up with my weight training since (just doing other programs instead of hers), so on the one hand I could probably go straight to the “Define Yourself” phase. However, I figure the Base Phase is a good way to start acclimating me back to heavy weights (I’ve really lightened up in the past few weeks). Plus Amy is trying Female Body Breakthrough for the first time, so I thought I’d stick with her through the program so that we each have someone to complain to when DOMS sets in 🙂 This time around, though, I’m not cutting the cardio – I still want to work out daily, so I’ll do some DailyBurn videos, outdoor runs, and of course, the Half Sauer Half Kraut marathon coming up in two weeks (also known as the next time I get to drink beer – I am counting down the days). Hopefully the routine will get me back on track and I’ll soon be lifting as strong as ever. And who knows, I’m even starting to think about potentially training for a marathon this fall – novel concept for me, I know.

Anyone else have times when you know you’re being incredibly stupid/irrational, but you just can’t force yourself to think differently? How do you talk yourself down from the ledge of crazy?


8 thoughts on “Balanced on the ledge of crazy”

  1. This sounds exactly like a meltdown I had last month.

    We were going to my boyfriend’s cousin’s kid’s communion party. I was upset even though I met everyone at their other daughters communion last year and now my bf and I were living together – the invite was addressed to “Mike and guest.” Then I stopped to buy the card and accidentally bought a confirmation card. And then we were running late (both of us are always early, if anything).

    It sounds so ridiculous typing this out but thankfully Mike is very calm and doesn’t let anything get to him so he was able to calm me down!

  2. Got your comment – I still haven’t gotten myself a copy of Insanity but I’m definitely trying to find one (used so I can afford it, haha!) and then try it for real. My sister has been doing it with great results!

  3. Oh man! Give yourself some credit! You’re a hero in my eyes! I don’t know how you do what you do!

    I had a few meltdowns with moving issues last week. It was like my happiness hinged on having shiny hardwood floors. I finally had to tell myself my life would go on if the floor work wasn’t done.

  4. I remember when I was in the middle of a stupidly tough project (3hrs of sleep a night for 2 weeks, 4 or 5hrs for the rest of it), I randomly yelled at my husband in front of our best friends and then burst into hot frustrated tears. I think it was about iced coffee. Or something equally important. I know exactly how you feel. Although you are dealing with it in an entirely more rational way than I did.

  5. Oh man, I’m in the midst of wedding planning, which is fertile ground for irrational meltdowns. I’m not even a crazy Bridezilla or anything; sometimes I just get so overwhelmed.

  6. Next time, call me and I’ll tell all your co-workers to suck it.

    Just kidding. It’s definitely hard to feel balanced when you also don’t feel in control, especially when you’re such a go-go-go person like myself. The best thing I find is to try as hard as possible to take a step back and just breaaaathe. Sometimes I feel like I’m already on to the next task when I haven’t finished the first and I get overwhelmed and just freak.

    This…I think is why I do yoga 🙂

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