About a month or two ago, I got really excited because I started losing weight like crazy, and I didn’t quite understand why. I was cooking more than I used to, but I was still going out to dinner and going drinking sometimes. I had stopped regularly working out, though I was continuing to run marathons. But really, there wasn’t a big reason that I would suddenly be losing weight.
This weekend, it’s my brother’s wedding, and I’m going to be a bridesmaid. I’ve been trying the last two weeks to try to eat healthier and step up the workouts for the occasion, but without a ton of success. This past week, I swore up and down that I was going to make it happen though, and I’ve been good about finally getting to the gym. I’ve been doing a mix of cardio and weights, at least 30 minutes a day but sometimes more.
However, the net effect of all this working out is just making me so hungry. My appetite is absolutely insatiable. I came home from work yesterday around 6 PM and was totally starving. Boyfriend was planning to take me out to dinner to celebrate my PR at the Anchorage Marathon (he’s been swamped with work so this was our first opportunity), but I didn’t care – I felt like I had to eat. First I munched on some innocuous stuff: a Fiber One bar, some red peppers, a little bit of low-fat mozzarella. I moved to a small scoop of vanilla ice cream (the Edy’s slow churned, so only about 90 calories/serving, of which I ate less than a serving). I even tried drinking seltzer to fill me up, but I was still just hungry.
At 7 PM, Boyfriend was supposed to call and let me know definitively if we were going to dinner (he was swamped with work and still didn’t know if he could get away). I tried him at 7 and kept trying him for ten minutes, but couldn’t reach him on either his desk phone or his cell. Finally, I assumed he was in a meeting and it wasn’t happening, so I turned to the crap: a candy bar I had been saving for Boyfriend, a mini bag of chips I had gotten on a flight and tucked in my pantry.
Right after I finished this binge and started contemplating some steamed vegetables for dinner and then a long workout to try to regain equilibrium… Boyfriend called. He had been busy trying to wrap things up but was now hopping on the subway and would be at my place in 30 minutes to take me out. I told him that I had just been snacking and that I wasn’t hungry, and he apologized for calling late, but now that he had fought so hard to get out of the office, he really wanted to take me out. I said okay, and hung up.
And then I sat on my bed and cried. I wasn’t hungry and I didn’t want to go to dinner. I wanted to go to the gym and work out, and I wanted to stop eating crap and start getting myself together. I don’t have a body image problem and it’s not that I think I’m fat, but I wanted to avoid carbs and use this week to take off the little bit of water weight that means the difference between looking good and looking awesome. I cried for a few minutes, but then pulled it together in time to frantically do 10 minutes of light weights to help me burn some calories and work up an appetite.
We went out to dinner, and I had a perfectly lovely time. By the time we ordered, I was plenty hungry, and I really enjoyed the meal. We finished dinner, and as is usual for us, Boyfriend asked for the check as they cleared the entrees – no dessert. However, instead of being grateful that Boyfriend isn’t a big dessert person (and therefore I’m not tempted to indulge), I was annoyed. I wanted dessert, darn it! We headed back to my place so I could grab some books and my laptop, and then we set off to walk over to Boyfriend’s so he could do a bunch of work. On the way, we stopped at a bodega for Boyfriend to get beer… and me to get dessert. I hemmed and hawed over the choices for a long time, finally opting for a Kashi Go Lean bar in chocolate/caramel flavor that had a lot of protein and fiber for only 140 calories. I just needed a sweet fix, and that worked without being nearly as bad as ice cream/candy/cookies/etc.
After scarfing that down, though, I still wasn’t sated! Fortunately, Boyfriend doesn’t have much food at his apartment, so the rest of the damage was just a Hoegaarden, but really… this appetite needs to end.
Maybe I’m better off giving up on the workouts again?