I’m pretty down since getting back from Hawaii. I mean, I know Hawaii is way more exciting than New York… but it’s not just that. I’ve always been more of a suburban girl, but with all my friends in the city and seemingly all the high-powered high-status jobs here, it would feel like kind of a downgrade to move elsewhere. I hope that makes sense and doesn’t sound too snotty.
But then I get comments like this while talking with one of my friends who works in banking: “I’m off work today. ‘Off work,’ even though I’ve already been called three times and worked for an hour and it’s only noon. That’s why I’m glad I’m going to Peru. It’s a third world country, so there’s no way I can check my e-mail.” Boyfriend has said something similar – one time when he needed a break, he told his boss he was going camping in the mountains where there was no electricity. Pathetic, huh? It’s so true though – we live to work instead of vice versa.
Lately I just feel very lonely. I work long hours, and when I’m not working, I’m trying to see Boyfriend during the few hours he’s not working. My friends have kind of fallen by the wayside – when I was traveling, I was only home a weekend or two a month, so we didn’t get into a regular schedule of getting together. When I was home, half the time I just wanted to lie around and be lazy, so I’d cancel whatever plans we did make. Now, I’m just at the point where I really hate calling people, because I don’t want to harass them. Stupid? Yes. My fault? Yes again.
I know you’re all going to point out that I run marathons, but somehow, it just seems like I don’t really do much. I work. I cook and eat. I watch crappy TV shows or read. I go to sleep. Even working out has kind of fallen off my radar, except when I have a marathon planned, and then it’s 4-5 hours of cardio and nothing more until the next one.
When I was little, I was highly scheduled. Not because I had a pushy mom at all (on the contrary – she was often trying to convince me to take a break from my activities), but because I loved being busy. I would go to school, stay after for whatever club meeting was that day, go straight from there to ballet class or my voice lesson, eat dinner in the car on the way to rehearsal for whatever play/musical I was in at the time, do my homework in my downtime at rehearsal, and get home with just enough time to change my AIM away message to “sleep” before doing just that. (In those days, I was a compulsive away messager, putting up my entire list of activities for the day so you always knew where to find me. Today, I shudder to think that kids might be posting their lives online like that). Anyway, I loved it. I’ve always been so much happier when I’m busy and highly scheduled, and right now I’m just not. And my lack of activities/to-dos has made it harder for me to get done even the few things I do have to do.
The end of December is always a time for reflection for me as I start to think about goals for the new year. In 2009, I really want to transform my life, and I’ve decided to set one goal for each of the major areas of my life. My ideas aren’t fully fleshed out yet, but here goes:
1. Family – call my dad at least every other day. My mom and I have always been very close – I usually talk to her multiple times a day – but my dad and I speak very infrequently, which I know makes him sad. We’ve had our differences in the past (actually, I stopped speaking to him from November 2007 to May 2008 because of a major blowout), but I want to strengthen our relationship now.
2. Friends – haven’t figured out the specifics around this, but something about staying in better touch with people and making an effort to see people more often. I’d really like to quantify this with a ‘get together with at least one friend a week’ sort of thing, but with the unpredictability of consulting, it’s hard to do that. Will keep thinking.
3. Boyfriend – this is going to seem strange, but I actually want to try to see him less. Our relationship is going very well, but I’m finding myself relying on him more than I think I should. He’s always the first or second (sometimes it’s my mom) person I call with any news, but I’ve been abandoning my friends partially because I’m so content with him. That’s a must-fix.
4. Work – there is a lot I want to fix here, but I haven’t decided on specific goals yet. Today is my mid-year consensus meeting (all the senior practitioners sit around and assign ratings to the junior practitioners), and I’ll be speaking with my counselor in a few weeks about my strengths and development needs, so I’ll prob wait till then to figure stuff out.
5. Running – run 1000 miles and complete as many marathons as necessary to stay on track to run all 50 states by my 25th birthday (July 10, 2010). I’m going to be sure to log all my miles (yeah, see that status tracker in the right sidebar that hasn’t been updated in eons? That’s not happening in 2009), and also try to run more frequently during the week so I don’t get injuries from never running and then suddenly doing 26.2.
6. Working out – in 2009, I’m going to get some form of intentional exercise in at least 6 days a week. That gives me one day of leeway for when things are really tough. But otherwise, there is no excuse for me not to even drop and do 10 pushups before bed or wakeup and do a quick round of 8 Minute Abs. I think if I just make it a requirement to do some form of exercise, hopefully the intensity and duration will follow.
I actually feel a bit better after writing that. And then I glance out the window, and see the snow coming down, and want to call my friend Barry and tell him I don’t feel like going to my company holiday party anymore (it’s tonight, and I invited him as my guest). And I want to e-mail all my girlfriends and tell them I don’t feel like hosting the holiday baking party I had planned for tomorrow afternoon that was my attempt to reconnect. And I just want to lie around and watch TV and be a hermit and do nothing.